Episode 82: ELOA


Getting people to play this was like pulling teeth. At least they give you good pills after pulling teeth. Come feel the boredom from Karochi, Dobar, Dreskar and I.

Setch Dreskar:
This will be one of the shortest I have ever done.
The answer is no, never, not even once.
Trust me, I am doing you a favor by telling you to steer clear.
Recommended?: NO!

I would only recommend this game if you have either a bunch of friends leveling together or someone power leveling, and even then, I still would not recommend it.  The game is boring, the combat is not fun, and because health regeneration is slow, the game is even slower than it should.  It is terrible to play solo and a little more bearable if you have friends leveling with you.  There is nothing interesting about the quests or dungeons, there is barely anything to do besides maybe grind for pets, and the game is just not fun in general.  The environments barely change, you are killing countless amounts of the same mobs, and it is hard to even tell if you are in a dungeon, with how samey everything is.  I really cannot come up with anything positive about this game besides it being power level friendly.
This is one of the worst MMOs reviewed this year.
Recommended?: NO, not even with friends.

ELOA is the best sedative I have ever played. Even thinking about it is putting me to sleep. Highly recommended if you’re having a slumber party for insomniacs and you hate everyone else attending. You’ll get to listen to the amazing selection of 6 or so tracks in the game. You’ll get to kill all the fat people you’ve ever wanted. You’ll have to kill more axe-wielding spearmen than you could’ve ever dreamed of. It’s not often I am this fucking bored playing an MMO.
Recommended?: NO.

There are some games that make me feel like this “job” is less of a hobby and more of a chore, and ELOA fits this perfectly.
I chose this because when there was a closed beta, and I planned on doing a Sidequest, I never got around to it, and figured “Hey, a hack-and-slash! It’s been a while!”
You did watch the video, right? Diablo clones are probably my least favorite thing to play in MMO form, and despite enjoying Path of Exile and legitimately loving Marvel Heroes, something about this felt really, REALLY off. Nothing felt unplayable or awful… I can see why someone might like this, but this was the worst kind of generic.
Dreskar and I spent the first few minutes in the game just staring in stunned awe as we watching a bot factory form, trying to fathom how these bots could run so blatantly rampant with nary a GM or admin to shut that shit down. The endless train of stripped-down dudes with names like “kjhuiyyuascf” making a predictable and constant path toward stationed NPCS before vanishing, was one of the most awful things I’ve seen next to the farm trains in Guild Wars 2. We did find amusement in trying to pronounce each name that ran across.
In fact, we could only find amusement in this game for all the wrong reasons. The bad translation. The insipid story. Grindstone got an earful of me mocking the awful logging NPCs to the point of hysterics and it quickly gave way to absolute frustration and rage towards this game. We were forcing ourselves to have fun with a title that did NOTHING to feel interesting. A title that felt progressively worse to play as it went on. A title with locked content 10 levels beyond the game’s current level cap that we knew would only offer up a completely useless Elite Lord “rage mode” anyway. It’s so useless we didn’t bother to mention it, even if the game gives you two almost unnoticeable tastes of it.
And Devilian is allegedly LESS imaginative than this? I weep for this genre.
Recommended?: NO.


Posted on December 17, 2015, in Episodes and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Well, I enjoyed all but two of the songs I heard in the background. That hip-hop one was pretty cringy, & the one playing during play/pass/buy.

    Hmm, doesn’t sound like it has much if any story to it….if grinding in a group is that bad, I don’t even want to know what it’s like solo….There’s also that bit about no illusion of choice when it comes to quests from morally questionable NPCs…. I quit Canaan Online over that.

  2. I feel like at some point you should of cut to screaming and self mutilation during the review. Your level of professionalism is amazing given just how sinfully bad each component of the game is and how even when nicely wrapped up together it still is just the worst thing ever. I would of maybe felt the need to stab out my eyes, and ears before subjecting myself to this foul grind of a shit stone…

    Honestly, If I put a gun to your head and forced you to either play this game for 2 more weeks… or do something terrible that will take only 5 minutes to complete… just what horrible thing could you offer to avoid playing 2 more weeks of this steam shit pile on a spoon?

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